11:59 p.m. - 2007-07-09
Horny for America
Dear Soldier of Fortune,
I never thought I'd be writing you a letter like this, but this past Independence Day, I had the kinkiest / most patriotic experience of my life. I got up at 3 am and did 200 push-ups and 200 stomach crunches, just like I do every morning. (Hooah!) I said the Lord's Prayer quietly to myself and watched the sun rise on another glorious day in this country, the greatest nation ever conceived.
Maybe it was the giant-size poster of Lady Liberty I got at Wal-Mart, looking at me all sexy-like, maybe it was all that talk about conception, I don't know. But I suddenly realized I felt the stirrings of something other than national pride. My own little soldier was standing at attention, erotically saluting the land of his birth.
On this holy day, I didn't just love my country... I lusted after it. I wanted to make hot sweet love to America herself.
The first thing I did was grab the garden hose. I wet down that hot Alabama soil until it was like warm, sensual clay in my hands, and out of that clay, I fashioned a woman. Oh, I'm no artist... I may have gotten a few details wrong here and there. Her eyes were a little too far apart, and one of her boobs wouldn't stay up. But when I stuck those sticks around her head to make her Tiara of Liberty, I felt the spirit of this great country enter into her, like the breath of God. It made me horny.
Horny for America!
But I was no teenage boy, out to grope his first hooter. I wanted to hump America with dignity. I pulled the flag down, and gently laid it over her like a blanket. Then I stripped naked as the day I was born and slipped underneath it, beside her.
"You're a beautiful lady," I whispered to her. "As smart as Thomas Jefferson and twice as sexy. Today's your Independence Day... now let's start some fireworks!"
As I closed my eyes and began French kissing her, I thought about how the French were our strongest allies in the Revolutionary War. In a way, my lovemaking was a tribute to the brave men who gave us the Statue of Liberty.
"Oh, America, I'm'a want you so bad!" I shouted. I rolled on top of her muddy body and felt myself sinking into the ground, oozing into her like human lovers only wish they could do. I pumped away like a fireman's brigade, giving my all to my country. The world "Motherland" flashed across my mind like lightning, and I thought, "Is this incest?" But that just made my Uncle Sam stand up as tall as a California redwood. Taller, even.
I was covered in mud by now, and I knew I looked like some dirty hippie from Woodstock, but I didn't care, and I knew she didn't either. As I reached the moment of glory, I imagined Lee Greenwood singing his heart out...
"God bless the USAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" I sang as I came inside her, and although my eyes were closed and I couldn't see it, I swear a bald eagle flew right overhead and screamed at the same time. The sensation I felt at that moment can only be captured by a new word: Patrierotic!
So, Soldier of Fortune, the next time someone tells you that this country is fucked, you tell 'em, "Damn straight! And I know the guy who did it! Hooah!"
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