2:04 p.m. - 2007-04-18
It's A Gift
"Before we have sex, I think there's something you need to know," Ron said softly.
Ohmygod, thought Jennifer. "Whatever you have to tell me, I can handle it," she said.
"There's no good way to say this, except to say it: I have a disease. It's not gonorrhea or herpes or HIV or anything like that, though. It's not transmittable. It's genetic."
"What do you mean?" Jennifer asked.
"Maybe it's easier if I show you," Ron said, looking up from the floor with hope in his eyes. "Whatever you do, don't freak out."
Ohmygod ohmygod, thought Jennifer. "Don't worry. I won't. Go ahead and show me."
Ron grasped the tab of his zipper with trembling fingers. Unlike early zippers, such as the "Automatic, Continuous Clothing Closure" patented in the United States in 1851 by Elias Howe, the modern zipper sewn into the crotch of Ron's denim jeans no longer worked on the "hook-and-eye" principle. Zippers of the 19th century often came apart spontaneously because the innovation of interlocking teeth had not yet been discovered. A true zipper would not exist until nearly 23 years later, when a 5'1" Swedish-born Canadian immigrant named Gideon Sundback would, in a burst of inspiration brought on by his daughter's tuberculosis, finally patent the first version of the modern zipper, which Sundback defiantly called "Hookless Fastener No. 2".
Elias Howe had long since passed away by then, interred in a pauper's grave on October 14th, 1867, a mere 16 years after patenting his inferior proto-zipper. Athough stripped of his legacy by Sundback's new invention, Howe would retain fame in death as the inventor of the first true sewing machine. Interestingly, Howe had not devised the mechanism of his sewing machine independently, but had refined ideas from mechanical sewing pioneers such as New York State resident and fountain pen inventor Walter Hunt. Decendents of Howe's report that Howe considered the triumph of his most well-known invention "hollow" and felt he had only truly distinguished himself with the original thinking behind the "Automatic, Continuous Clothing Closure" patent.
When Howe's bastard son, Jurgen Radzyminski, born of a one-time encounter with a Polish prostitute, learned of Sundback's invention, he determined to murder Sundback and avenge his father. Radzyminski telegraphed his threat to Sundback's Meadville, New York factory, and Sundback was forced to take his family into hiding. Radzyminski, determined to make good on his threat, adopted a new persona of "Fong Li, Astounding Wizard of the Orient", and travelled throughout North America in disguise, searching for Sundback's whereabouts while performing in character as a Chinese magician, conducting seances, and claiming clairvoyance and occult powers. Fong Li's star ascended, and he became well-known as a spiritualist and medium during this time.
Meanwhile, the health of Sundback's daughter, Agneta, was in decline. Pulled out of the sanitarium where she was in recuperation, and forced into a life of migrancy to escape Radzyminski's pursuit, Agneta finally succumbed to the effects of tuberculosis in January of 1916, at the age of 11. Sundback was devastated. He felt complicit in her death, rueing his cowardice in fleeing from Radzyminski, and his hubris as an inventor, believing errantly that his superior clothing fastener was enough to secure his daughter's health outside the confines of the sanitarium.
Ironically, Sundback came across a broadside advertising Fong Li's upcoming appearance in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, where Sundback had taken residence. Through friends, Sundback arranged for a private audience with Li after his public performance to see if Li would attempt to contact his daughter on the other side. When Radzyminski learned that Sundback wished Li to conduct a private seance to speak with his dead daughter, Radzyminski devised a plan to not only murder Sundback, but to emotionally destroy him, as Radzyminski felt he had been emotionally destroyed by Sundback's superior zipper patent. He told Sundback's contacts that, due to the heartbreaking circumstances, Li had agreed to perform the private seance without pay, on the condition that all those who knew of it were in attendance at midnight, and that they told no one else.
"It's stuck," said Ron. "Hold on." He pulled the zipper up in order to try again, then hesitated. "Are you sure you want to see it?" he asked. "I just don't know if I could handle it if you freaked out, or laughed or something."
"Well, how bad is it?" asked Jennifer. "I mean, I think I can handle it, but I don't know unless you give me some idea of what to expect."
Ron looked back down at the floor.
"You just said you could handle anything, and now you've changed your mind?"
Jennifer bit her lip, and then spoke again. "Okay, I promise I can handle it. Whatever it is. No matter what. Go on and show me."
Ron began unzipping again, and this time, although his fingers still trembled, the zipper worked.
"It's a condition called Fetupeniia gravis," Ron said. "When I was still in the womb, somehow the stem cells that made up my gonads and penis got the wrong genetic instructions, and didn't develop properly. Instead of becoming a penis, they became... a person."
A pair of tiny hands began to open the slit in Ron's boxers from the inside. Slowly, a bald, spigotted head emerged, and poked its way out of Ron's jeans. It rubbed its half-formed eyes and wriggled. It stetched as if waking from a long winter nap. It looked at Jennifer. It spoke.
"Don't freak out," it said in a tiny voice.
At 11:40 p.m., Sundback, his wife, and three of his close friends were escorted through the side doors of the Colonial theater, and led by Li's assistant through the labyrinthine passages of the Colonial's understage into a dark anteroom, draped in ornate crimson and black Oriental carpets, and lit by flickering candlelight.
"Please be seated," said the assistant. "Master Li will be with you shortly. I urge you to use this time to calm your souls and think of the loved one you most wish to contact, so as to call them to you now."
"Ohmygod," said Jennifer. "Oh my god."
"You said you could handle anything!" Ron shouted.
Jennifer just held her hands over her mouth and stared.
"Don't be afraid," Ron's penis said. "I'm nothing to be frightened of." It made a kind of snuffling noise.
A door parted in the tapestries, and the Astounding Wizard of the Orient, Fong Li, stepped through it. Even in the semidarkness, the severe features of his face stood out. High cheekbones and a long white moustache highlighted his stern yellow face. He seemed to glide motionlessly across the room as he took his seat.
Jennifer summoned her courage, and knelt down in front of Ron's penis, examining it. It looked back at her with infinite sadness.
"What are you?" she asked it. "Do you have a name?"
"It's just me," said Ron from above. "We're like the same person, but with two different heads."
"You can come closer," said Ron's penis. "If you touch me, you'll see I'm not scary at all."
Jennifer gazed helplessly up at Ron. "I don't know if I can."
"Master Li wishes you to clasp hands," the assistant said, breaking the hush that had fallen over the room. "Whom do you wish the Master to call to us tonight?"
"My daughter," Sundback said. "Agneta."
Fong Li's head swiveled as he stared through every member at the table. He rapidly pronounced some words in Mandarin, then took some dry herbs which were laid out before him and threw them into a bowl. The contents ignited and flashed into a sweet-smelling green and yellow smoke that quickly diffused throughout the chamber. More Chinese incantations were heard.
Above Fong Li's head, a glowing apparition began to form. It throbbed and rippled in the smoke. The table began to shake.
"Imagine you were me," Ron's penis said to Jennifer in its tiny, heartbreaking voice. "Imagine spending every day in almost total darkness. Imagine being ashamed to share yourself with anyone. Imagine being afraid that if someone even looks at you, they'll be disgusted and repulsed. Imagine spending your whole life like this."
A moment passed. Jennifer cocked her head and listened.
"I deserve love," Ron's penis said. "I do. And I have a lot to give. Come closer."
Jennifer narrowed the gap between her face and Ron's penis. The penis's tiny hands reached out and tenderly stroked her cheek.
"I can give you feelings you've never had before, sensations no one else is capable of." Ron walked to Jennifer's side, and his penis whispered in her ear: "I can fuck you like you've never been fucked before."
The ectoplasmic entity hovering above Master Li began to become recognizable. The face could not be seen, but it was undeniably a thin young girl in a pinafore dress. There were gasps across the table.
"Can she speak?" asked Sundback, barely able to utter the words.
"I can speak," said a girl's voice coming from Master Li's mouth.
"I know this is strange," said Ron. "It's probably not what you expected. But we're so good together. We get along so well. I love the time we spend together."
"Touch me," said Ron's penis, still whispering in Jennifer's ear. "Stroke me. Feel me. Kiss me. Dare yourself to do it. You know you want to."
Ron's penis began nuzzling itself against Jennifer's face. She closed her eyes and gave in. She reached up and began stroking it. "Yesssssss!" she heard both Ron and his penis exhale. She could feel it stiffening against her cheek. It felt incredibly sensual.
"Now kiss me," it said. "Put me in your mouth."
The darkness seemed filled with presence. "I hate you," the little girl's voice said. "I hate you for killing me."
Sundback's eyes welled up with tears.
"I'm so sorry," he said. "I'm so sorry!" He began to weep.
"You took away my virginity," the little girl said without stopping. "Why wasn't mother enough for you? Why did you have to take me as well? Why did you have to make me so sick trying to hide what you did? Trying to hide those nights you came to my room when she was asleep?"
Sundback looked up from his arms, and opened his mouth to speak, but no sound would come out.
Jennifer felt Ron's penis slipping over her lips, past her teeth, and onto her tongue. She could feel the tiny hands stroking her tongue. She could feel its tiny mouth kissing her on the inside. It was exquisite.
"I have no secrets now," the little girl's voice said from Master Li's mouth. "I'm dead and in Hell. You put me here." The table shuddered and shook. An unearthly breeze blew through the room, rattling the rugs on the wall.
Sundback stood and looked with disbelief at the faces of those around him. In the eyes of his closest friends, even in the eyes of his wife, he saw a willingness to believe what they'd heard.
He strode to the door, flung it open, and walked out of the room.
"Fuck me," Jennifer said breathlessly, lying naked on Ron's bedspread with her legs in the air. "I want to feel it! I want to feel what you said I would feel."
Ron moved on top of her, and then inside her. Ron's penis was right. She'd never felt anything remotely like this. His tiny mouth licking her G-spot, his tiny hands massaging her clit. The sensation of having an intelligent penis inside her made all the other penises she'd ever experienced feel like marshmallow dildos. He swooped and curved inside her, tracking her arousal like a heatseeking missile. When she was about to orgasm, she felt as if she was being fucked by a leprechaun granting her three wishes.
As Sundback groped the walls, attempting to feel his way through the dark passages back to the exit, he was surprised to suddenly feel another man's hand in his. The hand clutched his tightly, then inserted something hard into it. He felt his finger being pushed into some sort of metal ring, and just as he realized that someone was putting a gun in his hand and his finger on a trigger, he felt the muzzle against his temple and then stopped hearing and seeing and feeling and smelling and tasting altogether.
"I knew you were special," Ron said. "I knew you were the one."
Jennifer smiled blissfully. "So were you really a virgin?"
"What do you think?" teased Ron.
"You just seemed so masterful," she said. "Like you knew exactly what to do. You know, what you have isn't a disease, it's a gift."
"I guess I've never thought of it that way," Ron said, satisfied beyond all human limits. He slowly drifted off to sleep, and when he did, Jennifer could not resist. She slunk underneath the covers for another look at Ron's penis.
It was still awake.
"Uh, hi," she said.
"He can never stay awake," Ron's penis whispered. "Me, I never sleep."
"Is that so?" asked Jennifer.
"Call me Don," Ron's penis whispered.
"Okay," Jennifer whispered back.
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