11:26 a.m. - 2008-05-22
World's Greatest Grandma
"You and your grandma have a pretty close relationship."
"Yeah, I know. After my Mom died, she took me in and raised me. Gave me baths, tucked me in at night, came to my football games, helped pay for my college. She's always been there for me. I really love her. A lot."
"I can tell you love her. You were hugging her like crazy after the game last night! She was obviously so proud of you."
"You'd never guess that she's 84 if you didn't know it! She's hot for a Grandma!"
"Um... sure."
"Oh, you know me! I'm just kidding around. But now that we're back at my place, are you ready for that steamy night of passion I promised you? Here, put this on."
"A shawl?"
"It's a love cape. I got it at the sex shop. Makes intercourse more adventurous."
"Well... okay. I'll wear it."
"You look fantastic. I also got these sex glasses for you!"
"Sex glasses? They look like bifocals."
"I think that's so you can see my penis better during sex. Try 'em on!"
"Okayyyyy. Great. I can't see anything. Everything's blurry."
"Oh, that's too bad. I got you some lingerie, too. Some really sexy sex panties. Here!"
"These feel kinda bulky. Did you just hand me Depends?"
"No, that's just the new style in France. You know -- the land of l'amour? The padding is to stimulate your most intimate parts. Like being caressed by an angel. I also got you this awesome white sex hat."
"Sex hat?"
"Yeah!"
"This doesn't feel like a hat. It feels like a wig. Like a white-haired old lady wig."
"Nope, it's a sex hat. For improved sexiness."
"I know a wig when I-"
"Sex hat."
"But it feels-"
"Sex. Hat."
"Tyler, I get the feeling you'd like to pretend I'm your grandma in bed."
"OH! OH MY GOD! THAT IS JUST DISGUSTING! I've never heard something so revolting in my whole life! When I get finished vomiting I'm going to have to ask you to leave to get me another bucket to vomit into before I ask you to leave again."
"Because if that's what you're into, I'll go there for you. I don't mind."
"You are sick. You know that? S-I-C-K. Sick!"
"Tyler, baby... Grandma's wet herself again. Will you help Grandma out of her hot, wet diaper, and into a nice, warm bath?"
"Noooooooo. No, I won't."
"I think my Alzheimer's is acting up again. Who is this strong naked man in my bed? He's so strong, and naked. He could take advantage of me, a poor defenseless horny Grandma."
"Stop. You're only embarrassing yourself. I'm so embarrassed for you that I'm getting an extremely disappointed erection. So you'd best go home before my disappointment gets any bigger and/or harder."
"Strong naked man who I don't know, will you help me out of my wet, steamy diaper? Please? I'll make it worth your while. I can't do it by myself."
"If it will make you happy, I'll indulge you this one time. Stand up so I can slip off your Depends."
"You mean my sex panties?"
"Yes."
"All right, but be gentle. I have brittle bones."
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